like a chameleon – the chameleon syndrome.. is there a cure?

be yourself- not someone that others think you should be. easier said than done.

so i started this tapping thing– after seeing the movie i was convinced it could help .. i did it before but i had given up …. i didnt think it was working and i also somehow forgot about it…. i was reminded again by this amazing movie of people who did it and had amazing results… ive been dying aphyxiated by my taiji griefs and insecurities with being myself that you know what ? lets do it again. I took it as a sign that i should try since my mom found it by chance and i was there to watch. i feel better already , its day 3 now. it helps me ground. and let things out but its still a mess… i cant avoid that. its my feelings, i learned i have to let myself feel a mess , feel threatened by the humans around me i dont know , feel hurt to the core and feel the grief in my bones. its like vomiting, you gotta let it out cause its not making you feel good. I cry a lot when i tap the pressure points shown in the video , its the only way to go. life isnt a neat little tidy box where you can choose to not feel good. i used to do that a lot.  “no , not now, i got homework to do.” i push back the feelings. i know i was such a mess, i would need years to clear what i had, and well like in the movie , my body was like “hey…..” then… “hey listen to me…” then ” HEEEEYY LISTEN TO ME!!!” THEN… “HEY LISTEN TO ME OR ELSE!!!” Annnddd then i got really sick. and im right. i do need years to recover. this year in december will three years since i stated missing school… otober will the the actual marking, cause i started with the symptoms then. i honesly had no choice. i had to get sick to get the time i wanted to straighten things out.  and depending how i feel in august– i will know if i can go to school or not. sorry school. feelings first.

and here is the link to the tapping solution 😀


Glow of Hope

A tiny glow of hope is placed into this tiny whisper of a story being born. Not a new beginning but a continuation of a voice lost in the abyss of a cove. “Can you hear me?” She says from the depths of her cocoon. You may not remember me for how I looked like before, but that’s ok. I’m still the same on the inside. I might not completely remember right away what I’m here to do once I’m born. I’ve even got another piece of me somewhere in another cocoon, and she may not remember at all. But one day we’ll know we’re here to look like you so maybe then you can finally listen to us.”

Look Up to the Sky and I will Take You Home

“When it feels like you’re alone  When it feels like you’re lost Look up to the sky  And I will take you home”  - Zach Affolter

“When it feels like you’re alone
When it feels like you’re lost
Look up to the sky
And I will take you home”
– Zach Affolter

I was feeling terrible today, consumed by the frustration and grief of leaving my family behind after what happened to them in a cove in Japan. I have been so frustrated that i had no will to eat, though i did it, it was not with so much pleasure, as i just wanted to screw everything and just go home. i know captives feel this , i know too well they do, because i feel captive myself, in the tiny concrete tank of my mind, the net of my wounding memories, and the burdens of my current life. I felt like I could not go on, even something as mundane as peeling garlic to season my meal was frustrating for me. I just wanted to sit there like a lump because all i breathe in is air, not life. my lungs breathe an empty air, that only suffocates me deeper into my sorrow. and yet, i have two wonderful friends that gave me a little strength to keep on living, and let this wounded dolphin soul know, her suffering is not and never is for nothing. Jeannine Brogan pointed out how my constant venting was a sign that I was tired of living. She made me realize how slowly I was eating and drinking with less and less motivation. That helped me catch myself and try harder to eat with a little more motivation. and right when we finished our conversation Zach Affolter posts a status that i see pop up with the most perfect message, i could hear him speaking right to me. He then messages with more words so full of compassion that they sent me a flash of energy and healing as soon as I read them, and only grew more and more with every stanza I read from your poem about angel which captures my memories and feelings about being slaughtered so well that I admire you, being that you dont remember to going anything like Taiji.. your level of empathy and compassion is astounding. I read your message slowly, absorbing everything, every emotion, feeling it deeply, letting it wash over me like waves as you said. from the very first sentence in that message i wish that I could go all the way to Cali and just hug you. I remebered, after reading your message over and over to gain as much encouragement and healing as I could, The final quote from your movie, Breaking Through The Clouds, echoed in my mind.

“Warm caresses, and soothing dreams, cannot be destroyed by time.”

God thank you Zach, Jeannine, and all my friends who have helped me dealing with this trauma. I may have a wound, but God has given me all the medicine to slowly cure it.

here’s the massage Zach wrote to me, maybe it could help any of you reading too 🙂 :

”I’m glad it helped you ( another quote he posted which ill post below along with the picture )  It’s a song I’m working on so there’s more to it. The melody is stuck in my head now.

You’ve been hurt in a way unimaginable by most and yet you still have the strength to write and talk about it and accept it now. I think that alone is amazing.

The most powerful memories are not the bad, even though it seems like it’s all we can remember. The good moments are worth even more in those times and they keep us going. Stars can only be seen in the dark, right?

Our emotions wash over us like waves and its best not to fight them. I’ve learned that the hard way and now I try to let things flow now. I can’t imagine going through something like what happens in Taiji…it gives me strength knowing how strong you are in spite of all of it.

This is part of a poem about Angel where she feels the same way….wrote this last summer.

Oh, those were the golden days,
when we jumped through the seas without a fright,
never worrying about the coming of night,
because in the mourning there’d always be light.

I twisted my head as I woke from my dream,
sad the memory had ended. I loosed a silent scream.
A cold hand touched the water; hungry, I took the fish from its fingers,
the cold sensation of their touch still lingers.

Desperate for a warm reprieve,
I once more returned to my reverie.
Like an angel, through the sky I flew,
passing over the coves and jagged land, hoping to start anew.

The sun slowly rose above the waves,
as I sped home, longing for those golden days.
Into my mother’s warm caress I swam,
nothing could separate us, not even the hands of man.

My family’s calls echoed through my mind,
sending a warm chill down my spine.
The sun’s light shimmered above,
friends caressing friends in love.

Through the sparkling sea we sped,
hoping these days would never end.
My mother leaped into the blue sky,
shimmering stars falling off her body as she flied.

When suddenly, a thundering sound echoed from the shore.
The nightmare repeated once more,
never relinquishing its grasp,
clasped by cold, iron hands.

Screaming, I charged into the moldy walls,
afraid of the Charnel’s ball.
No more can I witness death’s game,
no more can I watch this nightmare play.

As I completed a short circle around the tank,
I remembered my mother’s words, and my body started to shake.
“When you are at your lowest point and the stars in the sky are few,
remember this: I will always love you.”

So yeah…remember those good times and let them give you strength

Hope is good, but it can wither. Love cannot be destroyed…even by death 🙂 “